DEALING WITH THE CONTROL FREAK
By Judith Orloff MD
As a psychiatrist, I have observed that relationships are one of the major sources of exhaustion for many of my patients. In “Emotional Freedom” I discuss how to deal with different kinds of draining people to avoid getting fatigued, sick, or burned out.
It’s important to identify if you are dealing with a Control Freak. These people obsessively try to dictate how you’re supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything; disagree at your peril. They’ll control you by invalidating your emotions if those don’t fit into their rule-book. Control Freaks often start sentences with, “You know what you need?”…then proceed to tell you.
They’ll sling shots like, “That guy is out of your league” or “I’ll have dinner with you if you promise to be happy.” People with low self-esteem who see themselves as “victims” attract controllers. Whether spouting unsolicited advice on how you can lose weight or using anger to put you in your place, their comments can range from irritating to abusive. What’s most infuriating about these people is that they usually don’t see themselves as controlling–only right.
Control Freaks are often perfectionists. They may feel, “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” Personally, I can relate to this, though I’m getting better at delegating. Control Freaks are also controlling with themselves. They may fanatically count carbs, become clean freaks or workaholics. Conventional psychiatry classifies extreme cases as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder–people are rigidly preoccupied with details, rules, lists, and dominating others at the expense of flexibility and openness.
QUIZ: AM I IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CONTROL FREAK?
+ Does this person keep claiming to know what’s best for you?
+ Do you typically have to do things his way?
+ Is he so domineering you feel suffocated?
+ Do you feel like you’re held prisoner to this person’s rigid sense of order?
+ Is this relationship no fun because it lacks spontaneity?
+ Do you typically have to do things his way?
+ Is he so domineering you feel suffocated?
+ Do you feel like you’re held prisoner to this person’s rigid sense of order?
+ Is this relationship no fun because it lacks spontaneity?
If you answer “yes” to 1-2 questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a Control Freak. Responding “yes” to 3 or more questions suggests that a Control Freak is violating our emotional freedom.
Use the following methods from “Emotional Freedom” to deal with controllers.
Emotional Action Step – Pick Your Battles and Assert Your Needs
1. The secret to success is never try to control a Control Freak
Speak up, but don’t tell them what to do. Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach. Control Freaks are always looking for a power struggle, so try not to sweat the small stuff. Focus on high-priority issues that you really care about rather than bickering about putting the cap on the toothpaste.
2. Try the caring, direct approach
Use this with good friends or others who’re responsive to feedback. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, sensitively say, “I appreciate your comments but I’d like to express my opinions too.” The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion, and will gladly change.
3. Set limits
If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, “I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself.” You may need to remind the Control Freak several times, always in a kind, neutral tone. Repetition is key. Don’t expect instant miracles. Since Control Freaks rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.
4. Size up the situation
If your boss is a controlling perfectionist–and you choose to stay–don’t keep ruminating about what a rotten person he or she is or expect that person to change, and then operate within that reality check. For instance, if your boss instructs you how to complete a project, but you add a few good ideas of your own, realize this may or may not fly. If you non-defensively offer your reasoning about the additions, you’ll be more readily heard. However if your boss responds, “I didn’t say to do this. Please remove it,” you must defer because of the built-in status difference in the relationship. Putting your foot down–trying to control the controller—will only make work more stressful or get you fired.
People who feel out of control tend to become Control Freaks. Deep down, they’re afraid of falling apart, so they micromanage to bind anxiety. They might have had chaotic childhoods, alcoholic parents, or experienced early abandonment, making it hard to trust or relinquish control to others, or to a higher power. Some Control Freaks have a machismo drive to be top dog in both business and personal matters–a mask for their feeling of inadequacy and lack of inner power. To assert territorial prowess, they may get right up in your face when they talk. Even if you take a few steps away, they’ll inch forward again into your space.
When you mindfully deal with Control Freaks, you can free yourself from their manipulations. Knowing how they operate will let you choose how to interact with them.
TIPS
- A controlling person may use emotions to control you; for example, they may panic about things because this will draw you into their control when you sympathize with them.
- When dating, make sure you look for the signs. Jealousy and guilt can be a way of controlling people. Control freaks are very good at manipulation as well. Keep your eyes and ears open!
- It is more important for a control freak to feel they are right about something than the relationship with you. If it is a boss, just agree with them on the small things even if you don't. However, don't compromise yourself either by breaking the law or hurting other people. Stand your ground and be the person with morals and values.
- Be wary if a bossy person wants to do everything for you in a relationship, such as drive you, shop for you, etc. Test them by telling them you have other plans for a weekend. If they can't stop calling you and trying to be involved in your life, you have a potential "control freak". Be warned––you are heading for disaster.
- The controlling person may say they care about you and that they only do the things they do because they care. This can make you feel at ease about things and perhaps wonder if you were taking the things they do wrongly. In this way, you fall under their control.
- If you are a teenager and your parent is a control freak, it's important to explain to them how this is affecting you. They may be trying to 'protect' you from bad decisions, but they have to realize you have the right to make your own, because it is your life, and it's in your nature to want to control your own life.
- Realize that the control freak might be going through a lot. try to sympathize with them, this will help you be calmer around them and not get frustrated so easily. It might not be acceptable behavior, but to them, they see it as a way to feel better about themselves or a way to handle stress. That said, you don't need to roll over and let them do as they please; simply acknowledge what is motivating the behavior, then seek to deal with it in a way that protects yourself.
- Try to avoid getting in a relationship or working for a control freak if possible. There are red flag warnings that the person is one if they need to insist everything be done only their way, find faults constantly in other people, are not able to relax and let other people take charge of a project. They may need to control your every action in a personal relationship. They can be extremely jealous and possessive for no reason.
- A control freak may make you feel that you are paranoid and that it is you who has the problem (gas-lighting). This can cause your mental well being to be harmed. It is not you with the problem but this tactic may put you off guard, which is what the controller intended.
- Don't assume a control freak is someone you can't deal with, especially in work and social contexts. Yes, there are violently disposed people out there and yes, there are more intimate entanglements with some people that are impossible to fix without leaving them for good, but on the whole, aim to try to get along with people of all kinds in your life. Minimizing contact can be a healthier response than creating more drama. Keep their behavior in perspective while addressing any shortcomings you feel you have with respect to creating boundaries with other people, such as learning to assert yourself or to communicate more clearly.
- Record any possible threats this type of person makes to you if they won't let you get out of a relationship. Then go to the police and get a restraining order. Make sure the person is aware of this and keep the police details on speed dial on your phones. Ask neighbors to keep an eye on you. If you feel really scared, move out of town or into a shelter if you feel you are in danger and have no close friends to stay with you. If you do have close friends or family to stay with, it would be wise to make sure that they are able to protect both you and themselves. Ask someone who you feel safe with, and who is willing to stand up to the control freak, and ideally someone who the control freak wouldn't want to get into a confrontation with (namely, someone they feel they can't control).
- Certain types of control freaks can be difficult and sometimes even dangerous when they are rejected in a personal relationship. If you're aware that this person tends to fly off the handle and has fragile feelings, take care when breaking it off. If possible, give them reason to break up with you, such as being slack about communications, spending too much money or anything else that suggests you're hard to control; that way it is their idea and will sit better with them. If this is too hard, break up in a way that leaves you feeling safe, such as by phone or with friends standing behind you. It can help to show that you have a supportive network of friends and family before this person seeks to threaten you in any way.
REIKI & Spiritual Metaphysical Gnosis
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